When I was awoken today by a warm stream of pee in my face, I tried not to take it as an omen. I really, really tried to rationally accept that these things happen and not view it as the cherry on top of an incredibly challenging week.
As a mother I have been peed on in the past, of course, as all parents have been at some point. There was the infant pee that decorated my clothing, the toddler pee that sprang out when diapers were pulled off, and of course preschooler potty training pee. All of these I accepted as part of my training as a parent. They were stories I shared with millions of other parents. There were badges of honor…almost.
But this morning, when I was awoken from a deep disturbing dream about Connor’s therapist confessing he wasn’t sure about the choices he’d made in his life (my subconscious is confusing), I just couldn’t accept this pee with the same nonchalance.
Some time around 3 am, Connor crawled into bed with me and began taking his pajamas off. I sleepily (and wrongly) assumed this was because he had perhaps wet himself or just finished using the bathroom. I didn’t really care, honestly, I just wanted to go back to sleep. Connor’s nudity doesn’t phase me as it’s his prefered state of being. He wanted to be naked in bed? Fine. Just let me go back to sleep.
In the three hours between then and 6 am Connor managed to work his way up the bed so that his body was wedged between the pillows and his head was pressed against the headboard. At just after 6 this morning, Connor’s little penis was aimed perfectly at my face just in time for him to pee on my left eye, cheek, and nose.
Thankfully my subconscious didn’t translate this peeing into something in my dream like a warm shower or a squirt gun fight, but alerted me right away and allowed me raise my hand to block that warm steady stream after just a few seconds. However, in my opinion, that was a few seconds too many.
Considering how I’d awoken, I shouldn’t have been surprised by the morning that followed. After I got out of bed to wash my face, I decided it was safer to go sleep in the guest room where, although the sheets were cold, the bed was dry. I wanted to catch just a few more minutes of sleep before wrestling Connor into the school routine after a two-week absence. But Connor sensed my absence and came looking for me. Apparently walking naked around the cold house was enough to wake him up, since he proceeded to climb in bed with me and snap the straps of my camisole while I tried to sleep. Awesome.
But you know what, I got him out of the house and on the bus. I’ve walked the dogs already. Now I get to spend my day doing laundry in silence and watching reruns of Law and Order, while Connor struggles through his first day of school in 2013.
It may not be very nice or parent-like to say this, but neener neener neener!